I’m coming up on 3 months of being sick with one non-COVID virus or another. My son, K, is in daycare. Everyone told me that the transition to group care would be tough. But I was not prepared to be so sick, so often.
It’s humbled me – not only because I’ve had to back out of commitments and say no more often. But also because I’ve had to acknowledge that, despite having written a book called REAL SELF-CARE, I still have to fight very hard with myself to rest.
Back in October I developed laryngitis but convinced myself that it was not THAT bad. I was seeing patients with barely a wisp of a voice when one of them said “you sound horrible!” She was concerned and surprised that I showed up for our Zoom session. Like, I’m here, clearly ill, trying to take care of someone else. *Cringe*. Despite that learning moment, in November, I fell back into my workaholic ways, and two courses of antibiotics later, here I am, getting back on the rest wagon. *Sigh*
I’m the first to admit that I’m a hard study when it comes to real self-care. I actually neglected to include the word REST in my book until I had a conversation with an advisor who pointed it out! Woops!
Rest is so damn hard.
Why? Our culture exalts productivity at all costs. We hold up a linear path forward as the describer of success. Periods of “low productivity” are moments to be explained, as opposed to viewed as part of the natural cycle of things. Most of us have internalized this narrative.
For me, this all applies most directly to my professional life. My first book comes out in March, and I feel this urgency of like, I need to do everything in my power to make it successful, and I need to do it all right now. I was talking to an advisor last week, running through the list of all the steps I’m taking to get in front of the launch campaign, and she said something along the lines of “Oof I’m exhausted just hearing this.”
So, we took a step back. We talked through whether, instead, I could tolerate going into the book launch next year from a place of fullness and power (as opposed to scarcity and fear). What if I told myself that I am already a success — regardless of how the book sells? And, could it be that what is most important right now is for me to conserve my strength and energy, so that I can show up authentically and energetically to each conversation I have about the book, come March 2023.
I went on to have a deeper conversation about this with my psychoanalyst. We explored my tendency towards workaholism and production at all costs (not our first time having this convo, ha). Ultimately, I felt empowered to give myself the gift of a restful December.
I don’t have it all figured out by any means. My homeostasis will always lean towards over-production. It seems that I’ve had teach myself this lesson every couple months for the past 10 years. I could beat myself about that. Or, I could say it's okay because we are unlearning the lies we have come to believe – that movement and production are better than rest and non-production.1 Or, rather, that movement and production are separate from rest and non-production. The reality is that rest is part of a cycle of production. Just like recovery is part of a workout.
So this week, I am sharing with you some therapy tools to help you interrogate your relationship to rest.
Your Therapy Takeaway
Here are 4 questions to ask yourself about rest. Listen closely to your answers, as they will help guide you towards a more restful approach this month.